5 Years and Counting!

 

Celebrate God all day, every day. I mean revel in Him. Philippians 4:4

It has been a long time since I have blogged. Not because I haven’t been writing, because I have, I just haven’t posted in a very long time. Once you go so long without blogging you start to wonder when the right time to jump back in is. You even start to wonder if you should just start a whole new blog or give up blogging altogether. I figured this week was as good a time as any. Why you ask? What makes this week so special? My answer is…many reasons. It is a holiday weekend so I have had extra time to write. I recently started grad school and the topic of my class requires a lot of reflection about myself. For instance, writing about a time when I was truly at “my absolute best”. For me that was when I had cancer. I’m also getting ready to speak soon at a ladies tea in which they want me to tell about my journey with cancer. That too has cause me to do a lot of reflecting. But perhaps the strongest reason that the time is right is because this week marks five years since I was diagnosed with breast cancer.

Maybe it is the fact that this week is my cancerversary, but it seems like this week everything takes me back to the year I was diagnosed and in the fight of my life. This week our worship service took me back to that time. One song in particular stood out in this way. Here are a few of the lyrics “I’m trading my sickness, I’m trading my pain, I’m laying them down for the Joy of the Lord”. I have a tendency to end up with watery eyes, and sometimes full blown tears, during most worship services. There is nothing like worshiping with fellow brothers and sisters that just seems to make time freeze in such a way that you notice nothing other than God and His awesomeness. This song made me want to drop to my knees in worship as I was reminded of a time when I was so weak that all I could do was surrender my illness to the feet of Jesus. Once I gave it all to Him to deal with I could fully experience the Joy that cancer brought. Later in the song it quotes one of my all time favorite verses “Though my sorrow my last through the night. His joy comes in the morning”. There is something about weakness and surrender that brings joy. That moment when you give everything to Him you feel so light and full of joy that nothing can crush or take that joy away.

Shawn and I have been teaching in our children’s church for several months. Neither one of us could remember how long it had been since we had heard a sermon or sat all the way through “big church”. This week we were looking forward to someone else taking over teaching the children and hearing a sermon. I had no idea just how rejuvenating it would be. We have a great minister and I always look forward to his preaching but this week he didn’t preach. One of our missionaries was here on furlough and presented the message. In his sermon he shared what a struggle it had been during their first year. He talked about the lowest of the lows while there and what he learned in those times. Oddly enough I had spent a couple of days this last week thinking about my darkest, deepest lows during my fight with cancer. This missionary and friend shared about what he learned about himself and about what it meant to be a child of God and about his struggle to sometimes find joy. He reminded us all that sometimes life doesn’t go as planned and we have to struggle to make sense of things. As he shared his story I was reminded that those times where we suffer and feel lost are the ones in which God talks to us the most. Where He shows us what His purpose is for us. Those times where we feel our weakest are the ones that we end up gaining the most strength. I know that my most difficult days, the ones where I wasn’t sure if I could continue were the ones where I simply fell into the arms of Jesus and let Him carry me through to the next day. Those were my weakest days but they were in many ways also my best. It is easy to live on the mountain tops but it is the Valleys where you get to know God and yourself the best. Those are the moments that you find Joy.

I mentioned that I have recently gone back to school. I’m working on my masters. I’m currently taking a class on positive psychology. I love this class. The focus of positive psychology is not on our weaknesses as humans but rather on our strengths. We have had several assignments already, however, the one that I have enjoyed the most was the one where we had to talk about ourselves when we thought we were at “our best”.  I already mentioned for me that was when I had cancer. I was physically weak but somehow was able to draw on strengths that I didn’t even know I had. Those strengths helped me get through some pretty dark days and brought me to where I am today. Those strengths are why I am back in grad school and also why I’m trying to find ways to help others get through struggles and suffering, be it through my writing, speaking, or just living in general. I may or may not blog on a regular basis. When I do, it might be about my journey with cancer or about being a survivor, it may be about my walk with Christ or it may be about nothing specific. In any case this week marks a big milestone. I plan to spend this week celebrating and one way in which I plan to do this is attempting to get this blog back up and going.

Maybe in the near future I will blog about what I have been doing for the last couple of years.  

She Is....Jenny McGee

I want to introduce you to an amazing women today. She is someone who inspires hope and healing in people... she is an artist... she is a fellow survivor.

Her name is Jenny McGee. She is an artist here in Columbia but her Eco-friendly art is known far beyond this town. She has been featured in the Columbia Daily Tribune and Vox Magazine for her artwork which brings hope and healing to many. Her work was featured in the World Trade Art Galley in New York City among other places. She has a studio here in CoMo at Orr Street Studios. If you haven't been to Orr Street Studios you really should check it out. I can't say enough about this place. Jenny also teaches art classes for cancer survivors and patients as way of healing. I don't have an artistic bone in my body but I love the idea of healing through art. That is why I started this blog. I found blogging to be very therapeutic and an important part of my healing process. I have no doubt that her work with patients and survivors brings healing to many. The healing processes is so much more than "beating cancer". There just aren't enough words to describe this fabulous lady or her artwork.

I'm thankful for all the amazing women I have met as a result of breast cancer. Jenny and I were connected through some mutual survivor friends. While I don't know her well I hope that we have more opportunities to get to know each other in the future. She recently posted about me in her blog. The entry is titled...you guessed it..."She Is - Liz Beal". It was nice of her to use my story to help encourage and inspire others. I was honored that she chose to use my story and I encourage you to take some time to read it. It won't take you long to read as it is very short. Even more I encourage you to read about her story and view her artwork, her jewelry, her note cards and her blog. She is a very gifted artist and using that gift to inspire, encourage and bring hope and healing to a world that so desperately needs it.


Here is the link to her website:
http://www.jennymcgeeart.com/

Here is the blog featuring yours truly:
http://www.jennymcgeeart.com/blogs/a-journey-of-hope-healing/7756305-she-is-liz-beal

What Fills Your Cup?

Recently I was asked to speak at a church in a little place called Plumfield IL. This church amazes me. Its in the smallest little area but the faith of these people are so big. It was an honor to be asked to come and speak at their ladies brunch this spring. Their theme was "What Fills Your Cup?". Now as a breast cancer survivor this theme made me giggle. Ok not giggle...I laughed hysterically. I have always said that if I were to write a book someday the name of it would be something about having cups that overflow! It was great to see old friends and meet new ones as well. Not to mention the surprise that one of my favorite Aunts showed up!

Once I got past the hilarious theme...(I realize that most minds don't go there but for survivors we can pretty much relate anything back to boobs)...I settled in to find a scripture. It didn't take long before I knew that Romans 15:13 would be the heart of my talk that day. After sharing the about my diagnosis and treatment with them I shared with them what filled my cup.The following is what I shared with this amazing group of women who blessed me beyond words that day.

May the God of hope fill you with joy and peace as you trust in Him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit. Romans 15:13

My cup is full of Joy!
Choose Your Attitude
I'm a firm believer that you have the ability to choose your attitude. I tend to be a really positive person. In fact there are times I have been accused of being obnoxiously positive. There are a lot of things that we don’t have control over but our attitude is one of them. With each circumstance that comes our way we can choose our attitude. When I was first diagnosed I knew that I had two options. I could either choose to be miserable, see it as a punishment from God, and think of all the things that cancer would control in my life or I could choose to see it as a gift from God. I could choose to be thankful for this journey He sent me on and seek ways to use it to glorify God’s Kingdom.

Chosen for Cancer?
From the very beginning of this journey I have said that I felt that my cancer was designed by God. That I felt this was given by God and that I was honored that He choose me.  That He felt I would good enough and strong enough to handle this. John 15:16 says "You didn't choose me, remember; I chose you, and put you in the world to bear fruit, fruit that won't spoil. As fruit bearers, whatever you ask the Father in relation to me, he gives you." When I was first diagnosed I told many people this. Honestly while I truly believed this I thought I was the only person who felt this way. Then I heard Joni Erikson Tadda say the same thing either on her blog or a PBS special. Thanks to Chemo Brain (yes thats a real thing) I can't really remember where I heard her say it but it resonated with me. If you don’t know Joni she is an incredible women who was paralyzed as a young women in a diving accident but choose to use that as a gift from God and she has made a world wide ministry out of it. Look up Joni and Friends sometime and learn more about her ministry and her story. What many people don't realize is that she is also a breast cancer survivor. She was still in treatment when I was diagnosed. I wrote her and told her how happy I was to hear that someone else felt the same way I did. That I was honored to have been chosen by God for this. She wrote me a lovely letter and sent me a book as well as an article. The Article was entitled  Don’t waste your Cancer by John Piper. in it he says that...

"You will waste your cancer if you do not believe it is designed for you by God. It will not do to say that God only uses our cancer but does not design it. What God permits, he permits for a reason. And that reason is his design. If God foresees molecular developments becoming cancer, he can stop it or not. If he does not, he has a purpose. Since he is infinitely wise, it is right to call this purpose a design. Satan is real and causes many pleasures and pains. But he is not ultimate. So when he strikes Job with boils (Job 2:7), Job attributes it ultimately to God (2:10) and the inspired writer agrees: “They . . . comforted him for all the evil that the Lord had brought upon him” (Job 42:11). If you don’t believe your cancer is designed for you by God, you will waste it."

This is just one of the many things that John Piper writes in this article. To this day I keep a copy or two in my purse. I knew that this was a gift from God and I decided from the beginning that I would choose my attitude and that I would see this as a gift and make sure I didn't waste it.

Consider it Pure Joy
Not only does the Bible tell us that trouble will come and that we will be ok.  It says we need to be Joyful about it. James chapter 1 tells us to...“Consider it Pure Joy my sisters whenever you face trials of many kinds for you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance and perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete not lacking anything.” Its so funny how God puts the right people in your life at the right time.There are so many people through my life that held a great influence on me and got me to where I am today. One of those people that made a huge impact in my life growing up was a man by the name of Judd Weece. While I was living in Eminence Mo he was my youth minister for a while. The Weece family leave a legacy everywhere they go.  Judd taught us over and over from the book of James. He was so passionate about the book of James. I’m sure at some point we must have studied something other than that book but the majority of our lessons were from there. He started a challenge for our class to memorize the first chapter. We all did it. Then he said ok now chapter two. A few of us did it. He kept raising the bar until I had memorized the entire book.  I can’t thank him enough for this because the book of James was a big encouragement for me during and got me through some really low times in my life and cancer is no exception. This is part of the reason I choose to celebrate even the trials life brings and to find Joy in them. Oddly enough at the same time I was learning from Judd my husband was in the youth group of his brother Joe several hours away. God was preparing us even back then.

Shawn and I were not sure if I would survive or for how long. Inflammatory Breast Cancer is an aggressive cancer and everything we had read was that IF I made it through treatments it would likely come right back. I’m not going to tell you we were not upset and that we didn’t cry. That would be a lie. What I will tell you is that there in Joy in our trials. Sometimes we have to look pretty hard to find it. Sometimes we even help create joy. I knew I would be spending a lot of time indoors so we decided to paint our living room BRIGHT yellow.  You can't look at those walls and not feel the SON brightening your days.We also found fun ways to celebrate the difficult things like having the girls cut my hair, going to hooters the weekend before my surgery and the countless boob humor throughout treatment. We made sure that each week we found ways to laugh even if it meant breaking out our favorite comedies that we knew would make us laugh. For the record RV is one that we watched more than a dozen times (yes we tend to think poop humor is hilarious as well)

My cup is full of Peace!
There are days where laughter is just too hard and when you reach one of those times where you just don't see the Joy you must find Peace in those moments.There is no way I can stand here and tell you that everything was always happy and joyful. There were days that I struggled even to get out of bed. On those days I found peace and comfort in the scriptures. Here are few of them:

Psalm 29:11 "The LORD gives strength to his people; the LORD blesses his people with peace."

John 16:33 "I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.”

Phil 4:6-7 “Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.  And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.”  

Finding Peace Through Pain
I read a lot of happy hopeful uplifting scriptures about peace, hope and healing but I also read a lot of scriptures of people going through rough stuff too. I found great peace in knowing that there were many Godly heroes from the Bible that had even greater struggles than I did. And still they were able to find peace and praise God. 

Job 30:16-19 

"And now my life drains out,
   as suffering seizes and grips me hard.
Night gnaws at my bones;
   the pain never lets up.
I am tied hand and foot, my neck in a noose.
   I twist and turn.
Thrown facedown in the muck,
   I'm a muddy mess, inside and out."
 

You see My story isn’t so much about cancer as it is about being thrown facedown in the muck, about being a muddy mess inside and out. Life is messy and sometimes it makes us tired, sometimes it brings us pain, sometimes we just don’t know how we will make it from one day to the next. 

Psalm 6:2-3

"Can't you see I'm black-and-blue,
      beat up badly in bones and soul?
   God, how long will it take
      for you to let up?"
 

I remember one of the worst things about having cancer wasn’t the actual cancer and nor was it the Chemo. It was Nulasta. If you mention that word to someone with cancer you will usually hear them groan just at the mention of the word. That first time I was given a full dose I could barely move to crawl to the coffee pot. And for a Beal that is bad. But it was that which was so painful was what kept me well enough to survive. Nulasta made me stay well enough to be able to take my next round of Chemo and to stay well even though I had three girls ages 3 and under. Sometimes painful things are what keep us going and surviving.

Finding Peace Through Tears
Cancer as you can imagine isn’t just a physical problem. It is emotionally exhausting. But again I found peace in the scriptures reading of others including King David who cried out to God in his despair.

Psalm 6:6-7

"I'm tired of all this—so tired. My bed
      has been floating forty days and nights
   On the flood of my tears.
      My mattress is soaked, soggy with tears.
   The sockets of my eyes are black holes;
      nearly blind, I squint and grope."

Its important though to remember that no matter how painful life gets. That it is only a small period of time. Eventually it will pass and better things will come along. I love storms. I love everything about them. Sometimes storms can be so ugly and they can cause so much damage. The tornado sirens went off for the first time this year just a couple of days ago. Even though I know what kind of damage they can cause I also know that when the storm is over there is new growth. And even if that storm brings destruction and damage  we will also see communities gathering, supporting and bringing hope and peace to each other. I personally believe that each and every storm brings Joy, Peace and Hope! 

Psalm 30:5
 " The nights of crying your eyes out
      give way to days of laughter." Msg
The NIV says: "Weeping may stay for the night,
   but rejoicing comes in the morning"

No matter how rough things get eventually it will pass, life will go on and great things will happen.  There were so many times that I wondered how I would make it through to the next round of treatment. I knew that I would but I knew though that I would only make it through because of God because I was not strong enough to make it on my own.

Finding Peace in Prayer
Its when we are broken the most that we draw the closet to God. The old testament is full of people crying out to God in their darkest of hours. Its during those times that we see the most transformation. We just read several examples of that. In the new testament we see this same thing. We see people in pain both physically and emotionally pouring their hearts out to God. Weeping in pain. John 11:35 says "Jesus Wept!" Yes even Jesus wept.When you are utterly broken and in pain both physically and emotionally prayer becomes so important and it changes how you see prayer.

Prayer is pouring your heart out to God. The good the bad and the ugly. He can take what we have to say.  So many times our prayer time is on schedule and at specific times and we have these words that just come out but we don’t even hear what we are saying half of the time. After this type of pain prayer becomes this living breathing part of your life. God is so ready to hear our pain I think that sometimes we are just fearful to tell him. It is in that pain and sorrow where you find true peace.

My cup is full of Hope!
Hoping for a Cure
There are many scriptures that talk about healing. I certainly hoped I would be healed but I never actually prayed that I would be healed. I realize just how crazy that sounds but its true. While I certainly hoped that I would survive and to this day I hope and pray for a cure for cancer. I spent a lot of time helping spread awareness and raise funds to fight cancer and I know that someday we will. I also realize that sometimes God’s plan is not what we want. Sometimes He needs to use us for difficult things to bring purpose to our lives and so that we can serve Him better. 

John Pipers article addresses this. He says…."You will waste your cancer if you think that “beating” cancer means staying alive rather than cherishing Christ."  Shawn and I prayed that if Christ could be better served through my death than through my life that he would give us the grace and the strength to do that. We certainly hopped I would survive but ultimately we were not sure what God wanted. So we prayed simply that we would handle it with grace and with a Godly attitude if my survival was not part of His plan. I had to rely a lot on the latter part of Philippians Chapter 1 in order to keep this attitude.

 “So how am I to respond? I’ve decided that I really don’t care about their motives, whether mixed, bad or indifferent. Every time one of them opens his mouth Christ is proclaimed, so I just cheer them on! And I’m going to keep that celebration going because I know how it’s going to turn out. Through your faithful prayers and the generous response of the spirit of Jesus Christ, everything he wants to do in and through me will be done. I can hardly wait to continue on my course. I don’t expect to be embarrassed in the least. On the contrary, everything happening to me in this jail only serves to make Christ more accurately know, regardless of whether I live or die. They didn’t just me up they gave me a pulpit! Alive, I’m Christ’s messenger’ dead, I’m his bounty. Life versus even more life! I can’t lose."

 Cancer became my pulpit. There version most of you know is “for me to live is Christ but to die is gain” Cancer has given me a reason to share my journey and my testimony to the world about the ultimate HOPE.

The Ultimate HOPE
I don’t only hope but I’m confidante that someday I will see my savior and He will be proud of what I have done. That He will be pleased not only that I fought like a girl but that took all of my trials and I celebrated them, I found joy in them, I found peace in the mist of those trials and used them to bring hope to a lost and bitter world.

My prayer for each of you reading this is that “The God of hope fill you with joy and peace as you trust in Him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit”. Romans 15:13

Preventing and Living with IBC Part 1

I realize that I haven't been very good about blogging lately but I assure you I have been very busy doing some pretty awesome things. I'll write more on that soon. Today I thought I would share a blog written by a new friend. I haven't actually met him in person but my in-laws met him in Belize on a scuba trip. They shared with me the work he was doing in Belize. While my focus tends to be on survivors his focus is on caregivers. One thing we have in common is our desire to promote awareness about breast cancer. The following is a series of Q&A's between the two of us about IBC. Make sure you check out his site posted at the end of this blog. Caregivers are so often ignored and its nice to see someone focusing on them and their needs.

Ben:  First, let’s clear a popular misconception.  Men can get about 1% of breast cancers.   Can a man get Inflammatory Breast Cancer?  
 
Liz:  Yes, men can get IBC. I don’t know any personally but I have heard that men do get it.

Ben:   It’s my understanding that IBC is a killer.  Can you comment on if a person is diagnosed with IBC, what are their chances?

Liz:  This is a tough question. IBC is very aggressive and it has taken more of my "sisters" than I can count in the two years since I was diagnosed. Just this weekend we lost two in an online group I belong too. This is why awareness and research are so important. The world of IBC has come a long way but there is still so far to go. For those of us that are NED (no evidence of disease) which is as close to remission as we get) we still face a ridiculously high chance of recurrence. The good news is that there are people who not only make it through treatments and become NED but go on to stay that way for years. Just the other day I "met" two long term survivors who were both 10+ years out from treatment and doing well. In terms of statistics IBC survivors tend not to talk much about them. They are very poor but we are hoping that with more awareness of both physicians and women we can get people diagnosed earlier and with new research and treatment options we will see this change more in the near future.

Ben:  How did you discover you had IBC?

Liz:  I had a lump for several months while I was pregnant. Right before my daughter was born  (she came 6 weeks early) the lump grew rapidly. I was misdiagnosed a couple of times but it became obvious that something wasn't right. I ended up developing all of the IBC symptoms in the first two weeks after my daughter’s delivery. I was out of town when I had her and she spent 2 weeks in the NICU but as soon as she was released and we were back in Missouri I saw a surgeon. She did a biopsy that day and a week later we got the call that I did in fact have IBC. My actual diagnosis was IDC (invasive ductal carcinoma) and IBC stage III.

  Ben:  Can you list symptoms of IBC that might help both men AND women spot the disease in themselves or their loved ones.

Liz:  Symptoms can include any of the following:
Discoloration, giving the breast a red, purple, pink or bruised appearance. Some say it looks like bruising some say like a rash some even say it looked like a bug bite.
Breast swelling, which one breast is suddenly larger than the other.
Breast that feels warm to touch and may look infected.
Itching or shooting pain.
A dimpling of the breast skin that feels like the outside texture of an orange (peau d’orange).
Thickening of the skin.
Flattened or discolored nipple.
Swelling in underarm or only on one side of neck.
Might feel a lump, however lumps are not common in IBC.

Ben:  A lot of these symptoms are similar to “normal” breast cancer.  Yet, I have heard many say IBC is different.  Can you elaborate on IBC’s differences.

Liz:  IBC is different for many reasons. First because it’s a very visible cancer. Most breast cancers remain unseen by the eye and are only picked up by machines or because a lump is felt. IBC in many cases also doesn't present with a lump. (I had one but most do not.) Many women are told that breast cancer doesn't hurt, however, IBC can be very painful. Looking back itching and pain were my first symptoms. By the time I was diagnosed the pain had become almost unbearable. You hear a lot about stages when you talk about cancer and with IBC you are either stage III or IV. There is no early stage of IBC. One of the biggest differences and why it’s so important to find a physician that is familiar with IBC is that its treated different from most breast cancers. The protocol is Neo-Adjuvant Chemo (Chemo first), followed by mastectomy and then radiation. Depending on some of the other factors like if you are ER or PR + or if you are Her2 or triple negative will depend on the type of Chemo and what other treatments you need.

Ben:   If a woman (or man) as suspects they have an IBC symptoms, or are just worried, how should they proceed?

 Liz:  My biggest piece of advice is that if something isn't right, go seek a doctor. Any changes in your breast even if they are minor should be checked out. If you don't feel comfortable with what your doctor says, find a new doctor and keep seeking answers. But remember it’s not just a rash. If one suddenly grows larger or the skin "thickens" get it checked out.

 If you have a rash or infection such as Mastitis that doesn't go away after a round of antibiotics seek a specialist that has treated IBC. You should know that typical testing for breast cancer doesn't always catch IBC. An ultrasound is usually better than a mammogram for catching IBC. If there is no lump you would also need a different type of biopsy as well.

Ben: Getting checked is so important, even for men. I know the reason we found cancer in Valerie was because I had a lump in my breast and went to go get it checked out. She had symptoms too, so she went with me.
 
Ben is a pastor, writer, software developer, and former cancer caregiver.  Valerie, his wife of 12 years, died of breast cancer in 2009 at age 36.  Ben now works in Belize with Caregivers of the terminally ill, along with writing about care-giving and cancer.   Find out more about his adventures at CaregiverRenew.org.

Stay Tuned for Part 2 with Liz

Beauty For Ashes

"...to give to them beauty for ashes, the oil of joy for mourning, the garment of praise for the spirit of heaviness; that they might be called trees of righteousness, the planting of the LORD, that he might be glorified" Isaiah 61:13 AKJV

Cancer is many things. Yes it is ugly and difficult but it can also be beautiful and amazing. Cancer teaches you how to live, how to love and how to laugh. Cancer changes you inside and out. Yes my body is scared and rugged and its been through more than I ever thought it could handle but I'm proud of every scar and every imperfection. The following pictures were taken this summer just a couple of weeks before my port-a-cath was removed.

"...There was nothing attractive about him,
    nothing to cause us to take a second look.
He was looked down on and passed over,
    a man who suffered, who knew pain firsthand.
One look at him and people turned away.
    We looked down on him, thought he was scum.
But the fact is, it was our pains he carried—
    our disfigurements, all the things wrong with us." 

From Isaiah 53 Msg

 

"There’s no need to fear for I’m your God.
I’ll give you strength. I’ll help you.
    I’ll hold you steady, keep a firm grip on you." 

Isaiah 41:10 

 If you only look at us, you might well miss the brightness. We carry this precious Message around in the unadorned clay pots of our ordinary lives. That’s to prevent anyone from confusing God’s incomparable power with us. As it is, there’s not much chance of that. You know for yourselves that we’re not much to look at. We’ve been surrounded and battered by troubles, but we’re not demoralized; we’re not sure what to do, but we know that God knows what to do; we’ve been spiritually terrorized, but God hasn’t left our side; we’ve been thrown down, but we haven’t broken. What they did to Jesus, they do to us—trial and torture, mockery and murder; what Jesus did among them, he does in us—he lives! Our lives are at constant risk for Jesus’ sake, which makes Jesus’ life all the more evident in us. While we’re going through the worst, you’re getting in on the best! 2 Corinthians 4:7-12  

 

“Still, if you set your heart on God
    and reach out to him,
If you scrub your hands of sin
    and refuse to entertain evil in your home,
You’ll be able to face the world unashamed
    and keep a firm grip on life, guiltless and fearless.
You’ll forget your troubles;
    they’ll be like old, faded photographs.
Your world will be washed in sunshine,
    every shadow dispersed by dayspring.
Full of hope, you’ll relax, confident again;
    you’ll look around, sit back, and take it easy.
Expansive, without a care in the world,
    you’ll be hunted out by many for your blessing.
But the wicked will see none of this.
    They’re headed down a dead-end road
    with nothing to look forward to—nothing.”

Job 11:13-20

 

And I’m going to keep that celebration going because I know how it’s going to turn out. Through your faithful prayers and the generous response of the Spirit of Jesus Christ, everything he wants to do in and through me will be done. I can hardly wait to continue on my course. I don’t expect to be embarrassed in the least. On the contrary, everything happening to me in this jail only serves to make Christ more accurately known, regardless of whether I live or die. They didn’t shut me up; they gave me a pulpit! Alive, I’m Christ’s messenger; dead, I’m his bounty. Life versus even more life! I can’t lose. 

Philippians 1:19-21 

 

As long as I’m alive in this body, there is good work for me to do. If I had to choose right now, I hardly know which I’d choose. Hard choice! The desire to break camp here and be with Christ is powerful. Some days I can think of nothing better. But most days, because of what you are going through, I am sure that it’s better for me to stick it out here. So I plan to be around awhile, companion to you as your growth and joy in this life of trusting God continues. You can start looking forward to a great reunion when I come visit you again. We’ll be praising Christ, enjoying each other. 

Philippians 1:22-26 

As thanksgiving is quickly approaching I have spent a lot of time reflecting already on what I'm thankful for. First of all I'm super thankful for the awesome God that I serve. He has held me in his arms and carried me through the mess of these last couple of years. I'm also thankful for my husband of 12 years who hasn't left my side even for a second. He is my rock and without him I don't know where I would be. I'm thankful for my three little girls who bring me laughter and joy each and every day. I'm thankful for life and as crazy as it sounds I'm thankful for cancer. Its been an awesome journey of self-discovery. Finally I'm thankful for all the amazing women I have met because of breast cancer. Some of my best friends now are survivors and knowing that I never would have met them without having been down this road makes it all the more worth it. Speaking of being thankful I'm also super thankful for my hubby for taking these photos for me. He did an amazing job on these photos.

Stick a Fork in Me I'm Done!

For most of the women I have talked to radiation was the easiest stage of their treatment. That wasn't the case for me. It was the WORST! Seriously I have never come so close to quitting anything in my life but towards the end I was very close to crying uncle and asking for a break. Taking a break could have given the cancer a brief moment to grow again though so I put on my big girl panties and sucked it up. Working though chemo and returning so quickly from surgery wasn't that bad but working through rads. was terrible. There is no delicate way to say it just simply sucked. I don't have much to say about this phase of treatment. I hated everything about it. Well other than the techs I got to see each and everyday. They were pretty awesome. There were some days that I was on the verge of tears going in but I would leave laughing. There were other days where I was burned so bad that they had tears and on those days I found a little strength to make them laugh. Its funny how much you get used to seeing someone when you see them everyday for 6 weeks. The following are pictures from radiation. To be honest this isn't even the worst of it. By the end I didn't have the energy to take pictures.

This first one was about 3 weeks into radiation. The stickers with the targets are used by the radiation techs to line up the machine. I also have a bunch of small dots tattooed on me for this same purpose. I had "superclav"radiation which means they also radiated my neck and collar bone area. It turned red but nothing like the rest of it. Part of the reason is because they used a "bullace" (sp) thing which was because I had IBC. Basically this plastic thing they laid over my chest made the machine burn the hell out of me! LOL

FYI that little bulge along my scar line that kind of looks like there could be a boob there is just fluid building up after my drains were removed. Eventually that went away.

 This second picture is during the fifth week. This is when I quit running at the gym and basically stopped wearing a shirt except for going to work. I rarely left the house at this point because I hated wearing cloths. I used a lot of creams and burn stuff but most of these either soaked through my shirt or made my shirt stick to my burn. Neither of which were great options. This was the biggest test of my strength and will power that I have ever faced. My radiation appointments were mid afternoon and by the sixth week I ended up just going home after instead of going back to work for another hour. Looking back I realize that I probably should have just stayed home once it go this bad so that I didn't have to wear a shirt and could have just had burn cream on it all the time. I'm not sure what I was thinking! Oh and if you are wondering what that little bump is on my left side is, that is my Port-a-cath. Its what they use to give me my Chemo. They would take this needle thing and poke through my skin into that device which went into my vain. I kept that stupid thing for nearly two years. I was so happy to see that go!

Next up the end result of all my treatments and surgery's!

And Then There Were None!

Well as you know the next faze of my treatment was a mastectomy. The type of surgery you have depends on a lot of things. Part of it depends on the type of cancer you have and what stage, part of it on all the other factors like whether or not you are BRCA1 and part of just depends on your personal preference. Even before we knew what the doctors would recommend Shawn and I knew that a bilateral mastectomy was what we wanted. Being in my 20's and having three young girls we knew we wanted to do everything we could to raise my chances of a long life.

I'll be honest the worst part about the mastectomy was waking up from anesthesia. I opted to do my surgery as a same day outpatient surgery. My amazing surgeon told me up front that most people couldn't handle that and that after the surgery if I decided it was too much I could stay but if I really wanted to go home that day she would let me. It took a couple hours to get up and going after and I did puke a couple of times but I went home and I'm glad I did. I was so much more comfortable at home than I would have been in the hospital plus I had my amazing husband to help with my drains.

I'll be honest. I tried to prepare myself for this by looking at pictures online. I felt like I was mentally prepared before hand but I just never really knew how I would feel once it was done. As it turns out I was fine with it. I was actually relieved to have them gone. After all they were trying to kill me. The following picture was taken as soon as the anesthesia had worn off enough that I could get up and around without wanting to throw up.  

 When the time came to take off the bandages I was a little scared. Mostly because I was afraid what Shawn would think. He insisted on taking them off for me. He knows me well enough to know that I can't take off a band-aid myself much less all of this. He took off all the bandages and he never blinked. He was amazing!

The biggest hassle about having a mastectomy was the drains. They are gross and  I was always afraid I might rip them out. You have to get creative to find ways to keep them attached but out of the way. Most of the time they were pinned inside my shirt but other times I had to get more creative. When it came time to shower I had to find a way to keep them from pulling out that didn't involve me trying to juggle them. My FRTI lanyards came in very handy for this. LOL

I wish we had my nice new camera at this point because we could have had a lot of fun taking pictures of what came out of those drains! But more iphone pictures will have to do.

All in all this was probably the easiest part of my treatments. I realize that's not the case for many women but for me it wasn't bad at all. I'll post pictures of everything after it healed a couple of blogs from now. The next phase was the worst for me.

Bald and Beautiful!

I really had planned to post more this month but I ended up taking a break from the blogging world. So many breast cancer survivors make their blogs in October about how ugly cancer is and how they hate Pink. If you were following me this time last year you know I LOVE PINK! Which is why I didn't want to post my next blog. I also didn't want to go off on a rant about how we survived cancer and deserve a girly color. Heck I have no boobs and short hair I need something to wear so that people know I'm a girl. I had intended my next blog to be about the mastectomy but again I didn't want to add to the anti pink cancer is ugly blogs this time of year so I thought I would just post random pictures from my time during Chemo. After all that was the next faze of my treatment anyway. So here are a few fun pictures between the time I was diagnosed and my surgery.

  This one was obviously taken early on in treatment. Some days I can't believe Jo was ever this small. She kind of looks like a little spider monkey lol. I took this with my iphone one day at Shawn's work while waiting for him to get off. I'm not sure what I was doing off work that day but its one of my favorite pictures of the two of us.

 I think this one is pretty obvious. It was taken right before Halloween. One thing we tried to do was make sure that we kept things as "normal" as possible. We didn't want our kids to miss out on things like carving pumpkins or dressing up for Halloween just because I was sick. I couldn't find any pictures but not only did we all dress up we even went to church Sunday morning in costume. I can't wait for the next time it falls on a Sunday lol!

Well if there is something really ugly about cancer its this picture! I believe this was taken at Thanksgiving. If not its pretty close to it. This is our home away from home. We try and go to Shawn's grandparents house every chance we get.

This is one of my favorite pictures. This was obviously taken at Hooters. I wanted to do something fun before my mastectomy so the weekend before my surgery the entire Beal clan went to Hooters. They were amazing there. They gave us a discount (basically free lunch for me) and this fabulous t-shirt which I will never be able to fit even without having any boobs. That was my first time eating at hooters and after meeting their fabulous staff I can't help but go back and celebrate milestones there. My goal is to get them signed on as sponsors for Komen or another similar group in the future.

Well there you have it. While its true cancer sucks life still goes on. It can even continue to be fun and amazing if you just choose to make it that way. Yes there are ugly things about cancer but stick it out over the next couple of blogs and you will see that even through the scary ugliness of cancer beauty can be found if you just look for it.

Happy Breast Cancer Awareness Month. I can't let myself end this one without reminding you all to make sure you are doing your self breast exams and to schedule to see your doctor and get your yearly mammogram or as a dear friend always says "go get your boobs smashed in the freezer door" lol! I have to take her word on this as I have not nor will I ever need a mammogram. Its just one of the "perks" of having breast cancer.

You know its serious when....

...you hear "can I get a picture of that" from your doctor.Well if you missed the warning in my last blog be aware that the next few blogs are going to be about cancer. No not my typical blogs but the true reality of cancer including pictures. You see most of the time when we think of cancer we think of something that is virtually unseen. Something that you can sometimes feel and sometimes only detect by machines. Something that doesn't hurt. Then there is IBC. Its a very visible  cancer. Its ugly and its painful and for that reason it typically ends up misdiagnosed and miss treated until it too late. In most cases IBC does not have a lump. Luckily for me it did. Otherwise there is no telling how long it would have been before mine would have been detected. While many friends and family were telling us that things would be ok and that my biopsy would come back fine we knew that wasn't going to be the case. No one really understood why we were so sure but when you see these pictures you will understand. My Port-a-cath was put in on September 14th 2010 which was our Tenth Anniversary. The following day exactly two years ago today these pictures were taken in the doctors office. Shawn and I joked with a nurse that at least no one had taken a picture because thats when you know things are really bad. That very second the radiation doc that we were having a consult with walked in and asked if he could take a picture. We laughed but she cried. Anyway, its weird to be posting these pictures but in the end I think its important for people to realize what IBC is, what it may look like, how serious it is, and how extensive the treatment is. One last thing. Keep in mind I was exactly one month postpartum when these pictures were taken. I say that only because that is my excuse for the fat rolls LOL. Make sure you scroll down and look at both because they loaded funny and are very spread out.

 

A Couple of Thoughts and a Warning.

Today marks the 2 year anniversary since I heard the words I had cancer. Its been a long day full of its own ups and downs. Some days I almost forget that I ever had cancer. Some days I'm reminded over and over again. Today was one of those days for a multitude of reasons. It wasn't just because of the fact that it was my two year cancerversary, it wasn't just because I was at the Komen office stuffing packets for the upcoming race, it wasn't because I was sharing my story with other survivors today and it wasn't because I was planning kids activities for race day in exactly one week. It was simply because I hit a wall. Not an emotional wall but a physical one. You see sometimes I forget that my physical body isn't the same it used to be. Ok sure there is the obvious not having boobs thing but that is not what I'm talking about. I tend to take on a multitude of things and keep going, keep working, keep doing...until my body says no more. Today was one of those days. I had an incredible week. There were so many firsts I don't even know where to begin. I got to attend and throw my first tailgate party for my department. It was a huge success and it was so much fun. I even got to throw some balls at our dunk tank and watch a student take the plunge. Apparently I can still throw a ball pretty well. It was fun but the event was also a lot of work. I also ended up getting a photo gig that same night which was a completely unique and fun experience. Then this morning I got to spent time with my church family in some awesome and uplifting worship followed by one of my all time favorite preachers of all times who I have known most of my life.Then of course there is the whole crunch time for Komen. Basically I have been going non stop for weeks with no end in sight until November. I'm not complaining...really I'm not...it was just a reminder today that I have physical limits now that I never had before. Each day I forget that I can't take on the entire world on my own and I try to do it,  then there are days like today when its like a big slap in the face that I can't do as much as I used to. I'll be honest. I forgot this weekend that today marked my 2 year cancerversary because I was so stinking busy. I say that in the most wonderful way. Then I started shutting down, every muscle, every bone hurt just to move or to stand and then when that wasn't enough for me to slow down a migraine started.  Even then I kept attempting to keep going and then somehow out of nowhere I remembered not only that I had cancer but that I needed a break. That I couldn't keep going like that and needed to spend the evening relaxing. So I spent part of the evening watching the girls play on the porch and part of it chatting with the BFF about photo shoots and other fun stuff. I'll be honest I went through the first half of the day without even realizing that it had been exactly two years. I'm glad that my body basically slapped me in the face and reminded me because I was started to take time and energy for granted. I was forgetting to slow down and enjoy the little moments. Luckily I'm nearly through by busy season as far as volunteer work and major planning events for my regular job leaving me more time I hope for things like photoshoots, writing and some reading. I'm reading a great book by one of my favorite authors right now but had to take a two week break because of a lack of time and energy.  Two years ago I wouldn't have had a problem doing all of this. I wouldn't have even thought twice about needing to slow down but here I am curled up on the couch not willing to move for the rest of the evening.
The other thing that I was reminded of this week is how amazing God is sometimes. There are times that he brings people into your life not once, not twice but multiple times all in various and unrelated ways. If he keeps making your paths cross with the same person over and over there is probably a bigger reason for that. I may not always know what that reason is but at least He makes me realize that I should be on the look out for a what that purpose might be.
Well that was my thoughts for today so here is the warning. I have been working on a project for my blog. I plan to take you through my cancer journey in a new and different way. The next few blogs will be about those mile stones both good and bad but will also include pictures of that journey. Why the warning you ask? Because some of these pictures will be graphic. Some may even include pictures of breasts *gasp*! I have been wanting to do this for a while but just haven't got around to it. With this being the two year mark and heading into the Komen race and breast cancer awareness month I honestly can't think of a better time to do this. Not to mention that I have had to work up the nerve to post some of the pictures that will be in these next few blogs. While I struggled to decide weather or not to post them I realized that its important for  awareness, education, and for families that may have to face this. Maybe its not really even for other people maybe its just a selfish way to chronicle what I have been through and where I am going. As I close this blog toast with me as I celebrate an awesome two years of not only surviving but thriving!

Walking in the Spirit

I was recently asked if I would contribute to a blog of a local breast cancer organization called "Walking in the Spirit". They are a really neat organization here in CoMo. They are a faith based group dedicated to promoting education, prevention and awareness to undeserved populations in the area. I hope one of these days I can make it to one of their events. The last one that they held they had someone come in and teach praise dancing. I'm sure this is something I would be terrible at but I think it would be fun to try anyway. Their blog is full of great tips on nutrition and staying healthy which is one of the few things you can control to lower your risk of breast cancer. They also feature medical experts and stories from survivors. You may even know today’s guest! I posted this on my facebook page the other day so if you happen to follow me on facbeook you have probably already read this blog. If you haven't read it already take a few minutes to visit their blog and read my post from August 31st then take some time and read their about me section and check out some of the other blogs. I really hope I can get more involved in this group. They are doing great things here in CoMo!http://walkinginthespiritmidmo.wordpress.com/

Rewind: Kickin it Old School

Zoe got to go to camp this year! She wasn't quit old enough for the camp our church goes to but she was for the one where I grew up. So we headed out to SICSC where the SON always shines. I have to admit it was kind of weird. I didn't feel old until other friends started showing up with their kids. Thats when it hit me. There was an entire new generation at camp now. A third generation of the Camp mafia! Its just pretty crazy to think about. When we got there they told us to just let Chloe stay too so we signed them both in. That left us with just Jo for the day. We had to drive 4 hours to camp so we couldn't just drive home and come back to pick them up. Our family in the area was busy so we pretty much hung out at camp all day. I'm not complaining it was nice to be "home". 

 The theme for the day camp they attended was called "Rewind: Kickin it Old School". I think this would be an awesome summer theme at White Oak. I can only imagine how much fun it would be with older kids. More than anything I can only think of all the fun that camp staff could have with this.

 According to Shawn that ET game shown below is the worst video game ever made. Apparently thats not just his opinion its just known in the nerd world that its a terrible game.

Shawn told me not to be one of those moms who follow their kids around and hover. He made me keep a distance so that they could really enjoy being campers and feel independent. I couldn't help but sneak in a few pictures though when they came near the area we were sitting. 

The girls got to have rest time in Cabin 6.

The girls attended several classes throughout the day but thy had a ton of fun stuff going on too. They got to swim in the camp pool and then they got to play on this.

 After camp was over they were given certificates and their camp picture. They had a wonderful time and so did I. I got to spend time catching up with old friends and best of all I got to visit with PaPa Ron! The worlds greatest camp manager. Oh and I even got to hear his son telling stories about Ron stealing the bell. Who would have ever thunk he stole a bell. Well more like tried to steal a bell according to D.

As soon as camp was over we hit the road and headed to Metropolis to see my grandpa at the nursing home. Of course that meant we had to take a picture or two because who can resist taking pictures in Metro?

Finally we got to the nursing home and had a nice visit with G'pa.

Pulaski County Relay 4 life

In my last blog I posted the link to the my speech at the Relay for Life in Pulaski County. What an honor it was to be chosen to do the opening speech. I just thought I would share with you a little more about that relay. My parents are from St. Robert and were part of the St. Robert Fire Department team. We weren't at the Relay long because we had to make the long drive back that evening but we had a great time getting to visit with them.

The kids enjoyed getting to hang out with their grandparents. 

I also had a nice time catching up with old friends.

One of which even offered to take me up in the aerial and take pictures. 

 

I should also point out that no only did I get to go up in the aerial but it happens to be the coolest one I have ever seen. 

 

 Believe it or not. Growing up in the fire service and even being on a department when I was younger. This was my first ride up in one of these. I must say it was pretty awesome. Thanks Chief!

 I don't think there was a single moment that the bounce thing wasn't full of kids.

 All three of mine had a blast jumping on this thing.

  Chloe probably enjoyed it the most. Check out the air she got on this jump!

 

The girls had a blast playing games and winning prizes.

Jo's favorite part was the candy. Every time I turned around someone from the fire department was giving her more candy. Which she kept dropping and trying eat off the ground.

 

 As always there was a ton of walking.

Maybe the best part of all was getting to hang with GOLDEN BOY!!!!!!!!

Yes ladies he is single!

No relay is complete without a picture of the worlds greatest caregiver. 

I wish we could have stayed the entire time for this one. Although we only spent a few hours at this Relay 4 Life it was a ton of fun. They did an amazing job despite the heat. Thank you again for having us. It was an honor and privilege to be a part of such a fantastic relay.